JOKES NO ONE TELLS:

That guy Beckham, the over priced rugby player, has signed to deliver fragrances for men. I'm surprised. I thought he only knew two: "gym sock" and "jockstrap".

I'M A HOMOSEXUAL NECROPHILIAC SAID TOM IN DEAD ERNEST...predestination is the process of belief that you are going to hell without ever doing anything enjoyable to give you the real status of going there...Fandom is going to hell...slowly and painfully he leapt to his feet...Harlan Ellison says he discovered America and he doesn't want an argument...what is it that mummies do for fun?/they take off their wraps/ and rot in the sun...Look! An angry young writer?...how can you tell?...he's beating a dead horse and belaboring the obvious...Did you see what he said?...did you hear what I wrote?... Bang! Bang! and three shots rang out...H.P.Lovecraft's AT THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS has been optioned for a movie. Expect changes. It will be a musical, and there will be a rock band, and if they can swing the rights, a few hobbits...there's a new way to kill rats. Give them 300 no calories sodas and wait a few years...the process by which rights are acquired by Disney is becoming a trifle bizarre: they can use public domain material, and obtain logos and trademarks to the characters and no one can use these visualizations without being sued. I'm looking forward to their musical variation of Marquis deSade. The toys ought to be real spicy numbers.

ALL ABOUT THE BIBLE CODE

What is done here is to take the original text of the Bible (in its inelegant Greek or Hebrew) and program it into a computer onto various grids so other combinations of text can be created and it can be shown that these combinations will have additional revelations. The inspired word of God will be re revealed.

Predictions of the future have been taken from these combinations. So far, these predictions have been a little vague and not altogether convincing.

Predicting the past has been quiet a bit more successful. In fact, there is a 100% accuracy rate in predicting the past.

NEXT: from the computer grid will come the following texts, combed for future predictions of mankind: THE DAS KAPITAL CODE. THE WINNIE THE POOH CODE. THE FINNEGAN'S WAKE CODE.

THE CONDOM STORE, Tokyo Japan. Condomania.
A store that sells nothing but condoms and releated items, like t-shirts and posters. I had asked Giani to look for items that might be considered "Engrish".

engrish.com

photo by Giani Sirignano.

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST JOKE is:

"Take my wife. Please."

Which is understood in context and delivery.

THE WORLD'S LONGEST ON GOING JOKE is...

Currently still in the White House.

And the context is not understood by anyone.

WHY SCIENCE FICTION FILMS ARE BAD FOR YOU: It gives you unreasonable expectations of success. In THE GIANT CLAW, the weird creature is a large bird "covered with anti matter particles" which causes all kinds of problems when they attempt to shoot it down when all weapons explode before they can impact on the giant Beaky Buzzard. The anti matter speculation is whomped up as a theory, a weapon is built and "we've only got one chance to use it."

Because the film ends in five minutes.

HEART SHAPED BOX by Joe Hill. Various editions.

Was reading this, liked the writing but some of my sense and sensibilities were triggered by a line that read "...the ten minutes it take to get out of Delaware..."

This is wrong. It does not take ten minutes to breeze your way through Delaware. Any which way you go through Delaware you have traffic lights, toll booths, auto accidents, the police, prostitutes, drunks walking in the road, Nascar fans, deer, groundhogs, low flying vultures, bike riders, kids, motorcycles, potholes, skaters and local politicians.

So this dude named Jude, who is a heavily metal rockstar of some noteriety, buys a ghost off the internet and it plans to kill him. He heads down south to save himself.

As mentioned, the writing is good, but the skin of a 55 year old world weary man is not worn very well by a 25 year old writer who has lived a somewhat stable life being the son of Stephen King. The plotting is good as well. The emotional substance just doesn't translate well.

Maybe with the next novel he'll get closer to his own life.

KITTY CATS

Kitty cats got no reason
kitty cats got no reason
kitty cats got no reason
to live

They got ugly looking heads
and stupid looking eyes
and their sandboxes
are crawling
with great big flies
they got ugly little noses
and nasty little teeth

they shed lotsa hair
with each step of their nasty little fet

Kitty Cats aren't the same as you and I
(I know, do I)
All creatures will say
Till the day they die
It's a wonderful world
That we do have

But kitty cats got no reason
Kitty cats got no reason to live---

They got ugly little legs
And are happily so low
you can step on them
instead of sayin' hello
they got ugly little voices
goin "yow yow yow"

And ugly little tails
And almost no mind
Ya wanna kill them
Every time

Well, I don't want no cats
I don't want no kitty cats
Don't want no kitty cats
Around here!