JOKES NO ONE TELLS

What do you call a Phillies fan with a gambling habit?

Bankrupt.

IN THE POSTAL ZONE: GOING POSTAL

TRYING TO UNDERSTAND the way things operate.

You live in Dover Delaware, and you want to mail a package to Camden Delaware. Camden is about two miles from Dover.

Your package goes to Wilmington. From Wilmington, it goes to Philadelphia. Then it goes back to Wilmington, and then back to Dover and to Camden.

Time: two days.

Why? Because the Philadelphia post office wants a "count" that favors its distribution practices, not anything to do with customer satisfaction or overnight reliability.

I mentioned this system to someone and he said "I don't ask questions around here. I just collect my paycheck every two weeks."

THERE are two societies where computers run everything. One is the JETSONS and the other is the United States Government. There is some questioning floating around my mind as to which is the one is the cartoon. The current administration has a cartoon like quality to it.

REJECTED MOVIE SCRIPT IDEAS:

STAR TREK: THE GERIATRIC GENERATION. Cast is pretty much the same as the first movie--Shatner will play Kirk, and the plot is centered around an Intergalactic Retirement home which looks an awful lot like the Enterprise, or at least, recycled sets. Most of the crew have motorized wheelchairs. Scotty raises drunken Tribbles. Kirk dreams of Hormones. Bones seeks the Fountain of Youth. A small alien boy tries to get them to play "kick the can". Kirk accepts this idea, quoting ...from Shakespeare...excessively, and Spock refuses to play, calling it all "illogical".

HONEY I FREEZE DRIED THE CHILDREN

A joint sequel to ALIENS and GREMLINS. Aliens land in New York City and live in the subway system and began snacking on the homeless. Gizmo gets a face hugger and falls into a tank intended for Lobsters at 11:55 PM in a deserted supermarket. A few thousand gremlins emerge and go after the aliens. Climatic scene takes place in the United Nations where aliens and Gremlins and members of the UN fight it out in the grand council chambers. (What's with the rejection slip that says: "Go take a hike?" To where..?)

Stephen King was less than enthusiastic for the proposed idea that would be STEPHEN KING'S FALL OF THE HOUSE OF USHER by EDGAR ALLEN POE directed by Roger Corman idea. He didn't think my idea for his novelising the movie THE LAWNMOWER MAN was too cool either.

AWAKENINGS II: Herbert West.

BORED OF THE RINGS directed by Peter Jackson. Why not?

THE MAN WITH NINE LIVES by Harlan Ellison. Ace Books D413 Out of Print.

This is early Ellison. It has not been reprinted, is in limbo and the copies that exist are crumbling slowly. It's almost a novel, hitting some 133 pages, a good length for a writer of short stories.

(added aside: these days When Harlan Ellison writes a short story, it's called a 'novelette', and when he writes a novelette, it's called a 'novella' and when writes a novella, it's called 'a full length novel'. Does anyone know why this is?)

Ellison must like this book, since he has listed it in one of his "projects", to rewrite and enlarge and flesh out. He wrote of this urge back in 1972, and it is likely to remain in limbo like a certain book of short stories.

It is over blown and filled with hyperbole, prose as pulpy and purple as anything else Ellison has written:

"The plants grew in madcap profusion. Scarlet as a sea of spilled blood, they rioted up and across the horizen, as far as his lizard eyes could see." (page 45)

"He prepared to convince eighteen billion worms that they wanted to eat stamin and pistil, leaf and bud, of that desert full of gorgeous bloosoms. He had never spoken to a worm before. He wasn't sure he knew the proper protocol."

This is funny, even in context.

And the story: Cal Emory is a hate filled man who wants to kill someone named Paul Lederman. for specific reasons only superficially sketched out in the book. It's over a woman.

The novel's brief length prevents it from advancing over a short sketchy blocked out of what is the novel's motivating framework: only a few lines short of two pages are devoted to Dorothy, the woman involed in the love triangle. And three pages to the funeral, and the layers of feeling and inner meaning which invokes Hal Emory's desire to killed Lederman.

The rest of the book deals with Cal Emory's unhinged version of love and hatred. The book was kind of a fun read, though the Cal becomes redeemed, it doesn't feel convincing.

from : THE GIANT CLAW.

You don't need to wonder why pictures of "the Claw" were never issued, even after the film's release.

Ahh. Modern technology.

My son said "what a Fugly bird."

I kind of like it when it is perched atop the United Nations building and is tearing it apart.

It's not convincing at all.

Puppet monsters like this are almost never used in Science Fiction films. The only other creation that comes to mind that was more incompetant than this was REPTILICUS! It was also unique in that it remains the only monster that barfs up gobs of green and it glops over people. It seems to have been Denmark's only SF film exported. Blaming some guy named Sid Pink is always brought up.

MOVIES THAT WOULD BE IMPROVED WITH THE ADDITION OF A FLESH EATING ZOMBIE

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Eragon

Fred Claus

Legally Blonde 2

Garfield

Pluto Nash

Catwoman

Santa Claus: the movie

The Last Mimsey

Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"Mommy, someone at school called me a little 'tard.

And I told him I wasn't little."


We all know this kid has a good grasp of the oblivious.












for more of this kind of stuff, go to:

http://www.losanjealous.com/nfc/

and get some randomized Family Circus and Frederic Nietzche, that is, one panel of the comic strip, and a quotation from the philosopher.